I write column ideas down in a little black moleskin I keep around the house. Every now and then, I go back and look at what is inside. There is some weird shit that I don’t think would make a good full-on column, but needs to be purged nonetheless. Today is all about that. Here we go.
- In terms of celebrities I share a birthday with, I think I kind of got the shaft: Burgess Meredith, Lisa Bonet, Amare Stoudemire?
- I was just thinking what bastards Little Jackie Paper (from the song “Puff the Magic Dragon”) and the kid from the book The Giving Tree were. Listen to the song and read the book- those kids sucked.
- I like the concept of the “Dramatic End Note Guy.” This is the guy who will end every little bit of back and forth with an overly dramatic flourish. For instance, when disappointed in the way a friend (say “Bob”) has been acting, Dramatic End Note Guy will flip his friend a quarter and say, “Here’s a quarter. If my friend Bob ever returns, tell him to give me a call.” Then Dramatic End Note Guy will just walk away.
- I love the movie First Blood, especially the character of Colonel Trautman, Rambo’s superior officer in Viet Nam. The best part about Trautman is that his role seemed to be to enter the frame, say a cool line about Rambo, and then leave. Some of my favorites:
“They got me in DC, shining a seat with my ass!”
“You send that many men after Rambo, make sure to remember one thing: body bags!”
“That’s like sending pigeons to the cat!”
“Rambo will eat things that’ll make a billy goat puke!”
“You go at him whole hog, he’ll turn this pretty little town you got into a parking lot!” (I believe at other points in the movie he referred to the before-mentioned town as “Jerkwater, USA”)
“When in doubt, kill!”
“God would have mercy. Rambo won’t.”
- I have mentioned before how I think Lethal Weapon 4 failed because Mel Gibson didn’t have his Michael Landon mullet in it. By the same token, I believe the sequel to Stakeout (creatively titled Another Stakeout) failed is because Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez didn’t have their moustaches.
- I was thinking about Capri Suns lately. What came back to me is the old trick of blowing into an empty Capri Sun pouch, making it seem full. But then I got to thinking about the packaging- why those space age silver juice sacks? Well, those packages are opaque for a reason- have you ever poured a Capri Sun into an actual glass? It looks like it came from a septic tank- little particles floating around and what not. You know that liquid that resides at the bottom of a garbage can, and you aren’t sure where it came from or what it is? That is Capri Sun.
- I once saw the band Great White play a concert (this is before they accidentally and tragically killed over 100 people during a pyrotechnic display gone wrong). It was also way after any kind of 1980s popularity they might have enjoyed, and it was kind of sad. They only have one hit- “Once Bitten, Twice Shy.” So when they played it, they really made sure it made an impression. The lead singer tried to get the front row wet (“like a pussy!” he said), but instead of a firehose, he had to use mini-Arrowhead water bottles. Imagine him shaking one dry, then having to run back for another. He also wanted the crowd to chant back the chorus to “Once Bitten,” and when we did, and he was unsatisfied, he yelled, “That would be pretty good if we were playing this concert in No Balls, Wyoming! But correct me if I’m wrong, but this is Los Motherfucking Angeles!” And it was all in a hard rock falsetto. Awesome.
- I was talking with a special ed teacher the other day, and she told me that mentally retarded males have bigger penises than non-retarded people. I am pretty sure that is politically incorrect, but she categorized it under “God Giveth and God Taketh Away.” She also called the penises “Tard Hammers,” which I am absolutely sure is politically incorrect.
- Organized religion isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I can think of two things that it has ruined: Prince and Kirk Cameron.
- The following are line written in the moleskin that I have absolutely no idea as to what I was getting at when I wrote them down. For your interpretation:
“Ream it, steam it, banana cream it.”
“I think this guy over by the punchbowl is trying to slyly tell me he is a paid assassin. Maybe the world’s best.”
“Diarrhea like dandelion spores.”