The Apologist

apologist |əˈpäləjist|

noun

a person who offers an argument in defense of something controversial

I don’t think of myself as a contrarian, but I guess you’d have to ask someone who knows me whether or not this is true.  I don’t have a knee-jerk hatred for a piece of pop culture when it achieves mass acceptance.  Hey, I liked (and continue to like) Titanic, even after it made a zillion dollars and James Cameron revealed his gigantic, throbbing, veiny ego to the world.  I am a guy who really does like the popular stuff on TV, at the movies and in music.

But here are a few areas in which I seem to wave the lone flag of enthusiasm, at least in terms of the people with whom I associate.  And no, I don’t apologize for it.

1. Singers With Abrasive Nasal-y Voices Who Write Super Obtuse Yet Also Extraordinarily Confessional Lyrics:

I am thinking mainly of Conor “Bright Eyes” Oberst here.  I am extraordinarily forgiving of his brand of singer/songwriter, and I am not sure why.  On paper, a lyric like

I felt your poltergeist love like savannah heat
While the waterfall was pouring
Crazy symbols of my destiny

from his song “Cape Canaveral”  should at the very least embarrass me, as it should him.  And yet… I buy in 100%.  You can lump The Mountain Goats and Joanna Newsom in here, too.

2. REM Albums After Bill Berry Left:

It is a fairly common sentiment that REM began to suck after drummer Bill Berry left the band following their album New Adventures in Hi Fi.  I wouldn’t say that they are better now (by any stretch of the imagination), but I also think that you dismiss some of their later stuff at your own risk.  In fact, the album I return to the most is their first after the great Berry exodus, Up.  Yep, I think Up is a better record than the following “Classic” REM records:  Fables of the Reconstruction, Out of Time, Monster, and New Adventures in Hi Fi- all from the Bill Berry era.

3. Reviled Sequels:

I am mainly thinking of three- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Robocop 2, and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.  The element that ruins it for most people are (respectively): Annoying Female Lead and Annoying Kid, Annoying Kid, and Annoying Kids.  To that I would answer (respectively):  Best sustained action sequence of the entire series,  a darker take on the material, and, well, the Thunderdome concept and final chase carry the movie over the Ewok factor.  No, I don’t think any of these movies are better than their predecessors, but each of them are better than all the movies that came after.  Yes, even Last Crusade.

What is the Definitive 1980s Movie? Footloose?

The movies of the 1980s had their own flavor, too, and that is what I want to get at. What is the DEFINITIVE 1980s movie?  That might be an impossible question to answer, but over the next couple months I will take a look at some key contenders to the title.  But first, as always, some criteria to narrow the search.

Criteria:

1. There must be a 1980s song attached that defines it the movie when you see it. In other words, when you now hear this song, you must think of the movie before anything else.
2. I think the theme of “Triumph of the Underdog” must be present somewhere in the movie. This theme was almost as common as the overuse of the montage in 1980s movie.
3. Must contain a montage sequence.
4. The movie must have introduced us to an actor in a star-making performance.  That doesn’t necessarily mean it is the first movie the actor made, just their “star-making” performance

Today’s Contender:  Footloose (1984)

In trying to decide which 1980s dancing movie would be my representative for “Best of the 80s”, I narrowed it down to three.  This wasn’t so easy- the 80s provided A LOT of dance-oriented movies.  The Breakin’ movies, Fame, even Chris Atkin’s star vehicle A Night in Heaven could all be considered contenders.  But the three I narrowed it to were Dirty Dancing, Flashdance, and Footloose.

All three were phenomenons, all three came attached with iconic lead performances, all three rocked some pretty important (at least to the 1980s) soundtracks. So what gives Footloose the edge?  Actually, it wasn’t that hard to choose- with respect to its 80s importance, I don’t really like Flashdance, and until they make Footloose:  Havana Nights, Dirty Dancing will never be as fun as watching Kevin Bacon vs. the uptight denizens of a conservative Utah town.

You see, the religious right in the town (led by preacher and de facto small town Big Cheese John Lithgow) just hates rock n’ roll and, especially, dancing.  And when big city teen Ren (Bacon) arrives, the classic “butting of disparate heads” scenario inevitably occurs.  Because I’ll tell you what… Ren McCormick needs to dance.

Typing the above paragraphs illuminates the silliness of this plot, but man, does Footloose work.  I remember seeing this movie at the theater, and as the movie emptied as the credits rolled, the audience members were aping the various dance moves they had just witnessed.  The only other time I remember seeing this happen was after The Karate Kid, when everyone was doing his or her best Crane Poses

You can’t plan that kind of audience investment; Footloose is a “lightning in a bottle” situation, which is probably why the inevitable remake keeps disintegrating.  Trying to get something as stupid as the premise for Footloose to work if a fool’s task, and yet, in 1984, the elements came together and work it did.

But does it fit the criteria for “Best 1980s Movie”?  Oh, Sweet Jesus, it sure does.  The only difficulty is picking which iconic song or which motivational montage sequence.  This movie is chock-a-block full of pure 1980s magic- it just may be THE 1980s movie.

Iconic song?  Ever listen to this soundtrack?  Like it or not, the movie is lousy with the FM hits of 1984.  “Let’s Hear It For The Boy”, “Dancing in the Sheets”, “Holding Out For a Hero”, “Almost Paradise”… in another movie, any one of these songs would be “the song.”  However, this movie also contains a little Kenny Loggins number called “Footloose”.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is THE song. True, the movie and the song share a title, but it is impossible to listen to the opening strains of this (still) wedding classic and not envision either a) a bunch of feet in a variety of footwear and stockings shuffling over the opening credits, or b) Kevin Bacon charging down the stairs in his maroon tux, screaming “What’s everyone sitting around for?  Let’s Dance!” thus kicking off the climactic dance scene.  Either way, Loggins’ “Footloose” is most iconic song from this movie, and probably of Loggins’ career.  And this guy wrote a lot of soundtrack material.

Nobody, save Ariel and his best buddy Willard, likes Ren McCormick at first.  He blasts Quiet Riot from his Volkswagen Beetle, he mouths off to cops, and he is far too comfortable on the uneven bars at the school gym. Plus he’s got that big city hair and he says shit like “Jump Back!” when he is incredulous at something. Ren clearly has some odds to overcome, not the least of which is wooing the town rebel away from her sociopathic boyfriend and her preacher father.

He does so, and in style.  It isn’t easy, though.  He has to win a game of chicken on tractors, endure threatening bricks through his family’s window, and engage in a violent session of punch dancing.   Through it all, Ren never doubts the transformative power of dance, and eventually convinces the town of the same. “Dance Your Ass Off” indeed.

I do love the final montage in this movie, where a bunch of kids who have never had the chance to dance prove themselves remarkably adept at it. I mean, really, that kid who does the robot?  Where did he learn that?  He’s fantastic.  Still, this isn’t THE montage, is it?  No, you gotta go with the “Training Willard To Dance” montage, set to Deniece Williams’ “Let’s Hear It For The Boy”.

A word about Chris Penn here.  Yeah, he was a lot thinner when he made this movie.  He went on to be in a lot more movies, usually in a much fatter version of himself.  I posit, however, that he was never more likeable than he was here.  Penn perfectly fit the “best friend” role that was essential in a movie like this, and he even had his own mini-arc, where he needed to learn to dance in order to keep his girlfriend Rusty (played by Sarah Jessica Parker).

Not to mention that he credibly learned to dance, which is to say, he still kinda sucked, even after Ren taught him everything he needed to know. Juxtapose this against that final scene again, where all the kid instantly become pros, and what you have is Penn bringing a bit of verisimilitude into the proceedings.   He also sells the hell out of the montage, committing to every ridiculous task Ren insists upon.

In terms of the breakout star, that’s easy:  one Mr. Kevin Norwood Bacon.  He had been in a few things before this- Friday the 13^th, Animal House, and Diner come to mind- but this movie blew some Bacon up.  Apparently, after Footloose, Bacon was only offered dance movies, and you can see why.  I have mentioned how ridiculous Footloose is, haven’t I?  Well, it is.  With a different lead, audiences would have never gone for it, but Kevin Bacon hits exactly the right notes.  Believe me, it can’t be easy to do that “punch-dance” scene (mocked nicely in Hot Rod).  The fact that Bacon pulls it off is a testament to the man, and one of the reasons that he has become one of the most reliable actors out there.

I’m not sure there is a 1980s movie that can top Footloose for pure 80s magic.  Any thoughts?

Previous entries:  Rocky III, Top Gun, The Breakfast Club

The Movies of 2010: Eh.

I will begin this with my biggest disappointments, movie-wise, of the year 2010.  Because it has been that kind of year at the movies, hasn’t it?  On paper, there were a bunch that I was really looking forward to that just let me down.  These may not be the worst movies of the year, and some of them weren’t bad at all.  Still, compared to the expectations they lugged along with them, these just didn’t bring the thunder.

Top 10 Disappointments of 2010 (in no order):

The Wolfman:  They had the right idea, but the execution was way, way off.  How can a movie about a wolf man be boring?  This is how.

Alice in Wonderland:  Hard to believe this is a Tim Burton movie.  This is everything that Burton of the 80’s would have found repellant.

Green Zone:  Another pairing of Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon?  Sounded good, until you watched another “take” on the not-finding of WMDs in the middle east.

Hot Tub Time Machine:  A great title, a terrible comedy.

Kick Ass:  I got the joke (that there are real-life consquences to superheroing) very early, and then was really bored.

Iron Man 2:  This couldn’t have felt more half-assed.   The “drunk Iron Man” scene was one of the worst scenes of the year.

Predators:  Again, the right idea done poorly.

Get Low:  They really pussed-out with how to end this movie.  If you ever see it, you’ll see what I mean.

The Fighter:  Probably the best movie on the “Disappointment” list, but still. Christian Bale?  Really?  If Nicolas Cage had done that performance, no one would be able to stop talking about how campy it was.

Greenberg:  Maybe the most unpleasant movie of the year.

Still, the above movies were shining beacons of hope as compared to the following:

The Five Worst Movies of 2010:

Somewhere:  Makes you reconsider everything not only Sophia Coppola has done before, but maybe even her dad’s movies, too.

Cop Out:  To see this done right (or at least funny), see The Other Guys.

Clash of the Titans:  A remake of a movie that I actually think could use a remake.  But not this one.

A Nightmare on Elm Street:  This movie didn’t need a remake, and the one original thought they brought to it (maybe Freddy was innocent) was abandoned in favor of Wes Craven’s ideas of 26 years ago.  Worthless.

I’m Still Here:  Speaking of worthless… if this was a hoax (which it was), what is the value of watching Phoenix disintegrate like this?  So boring, considering I had the knowledge that he was “just kidding.”

There were some really good movies out this year.  Here are a bunch.

Top 10 Movies of 2010:

Runner-Ups:  The American, The Secret in Their Eyes, The Other Guys, The Two Escobars, Going the Distance, The Prophet, Mother, Splice.

10.  How To Train Your Dragon:  Came to this late, as I still resist any non-Pixar animation while at the theater.  Don’t know why, as I have liked recent movies such as Monsters vs. Aliens and really liked Kung Fu Panda.  Dragon is plain-ol’ excellent, though, almost if not as good as most of the Pixar output of late. By the end, I couldn’t believe how invested I was in a penis-y looking dragon and his boy.

9. Exit Through the Gift Shop: It was that recent Banksy-created Simpsons opening that finally made me see this.  That was fantastic and weirdly subversive, but Gift Shop was incredible, shifting focus and theme several times throughout the movie.   It starts out being about this fringe filmmaker in Los Angeles who becomes enmeshed in the Street Art scene made famous by artists such as Shepard Fairey.  Then the mysterious Banksy gets involved, and it becomes something else.  I am being vague because you should really check this out.

8.  True Grit:  Had to see it twice to fully get it, but now that I have, I do think it is one of the better Coen Bros. movies. Initially, I think I was expecting something a bit more… western-y- you know, gunfights, showdowns, etc.  Those are all here, but I found it to be a bit inert and, sorry to say, boring.  On second viewing, I realized this movie is all about character, with the three leads forming a surrogate family in post-Civil War west.   Add to that great performances, trademark excellent Coen dialogue and an ending that is truly moving, and you have a great, great movie.

7.  Inception/Shutter Island- Yep, I cheated.  Two movies occupying the #7 spot. But you know what?  In a year when Leonardo DiCaprio did two movies that are all about the fine line that separates reality and…something else, I think it is appropriate that they share a spot.  I think Inception was the better movie, but I loved Shutter Island as well.  A couple of brain-melters that can be discussed endlessly.

6.  127 Hours:  James Franco’s Cast Away, but instead of a volleyball, our hero talks directly into a video camera.  The fact that there is conveniently a video camera at first seems like a cheap movie conceit, until you remember that, well, he DID have a camera.  And that is the reason why I thought this was better than Cast Away- the truthiness of the whole affair. We spend almost the entire running time with Aron Ralston, pinned under that rock.  So when he has to cut off his own arm to escape, the audience empathy-quotient skyrockets like in no other movie this year.

5.  Winter’s Bone:  A dark, dank piece of scary hillybilly mojo. I think this is the scariest hillybilly movie since Deliverance, or at least since Southern Comfort.  The difference here is that these seem like actual, real-live people.  People who you could run into if you took a wrong turn off the freeway.  Jennifer Lawrence, the girl “detective” who is the center of the movie, is the anti-Veronica Mars.  There are no wisecracks or sass to lighten the mood, the atmosphere, or the sheer amounts of meth-dealing hooligans about.  Great, great movie.

4.  Toy Story 3:  Two animated movies in my top 10, and I haven’t even seen Tangled. As boring as it is to announce another Pixar triumph, I must stand upon the mountaintop and sound my victory bugle for this one.  It may be the best of the three, but that is like choosing between Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Reese’s Pieces.  I love these movies because I love these characters, who seem to be more fully-fleshed out than most of the characters in live-action movies these days. The “Holding hands on the way to hell” scene is about as good as the motion pictures can provide these days.  Also, note that there is a “Holding hands on the way to hell” scene in a movie called Toy Story 3.  Nice.

3.  The King’s Speech:  Essentially, just another “Unorthodox Teacher Helps a Downtrodden Student Realize Potential Through Unorthodox Teaching Styles” movie, much in the same vein as Stand and Deliver, Summer School, or even The Karate Kid. The difference here is the historical implications- if Bertie didn’t get his stammering under control, he could never become the type of leader that could lead England into World War II.  This is could be sappy and manipulative, and maybe it even his here, but I fell for it, just as I did in the movies listed above.  Not to mention that Colin Firth’s final speech is perhaps the most inspirational bit of oratory since Michael Douglas’s final address in The American President.

2.  Black Swan:  Another mindbender that can be discussed endlessly.  But every conversation I have had about this movie has inevitably ended in laughter as we thought back on the lurid, over-the-top plot machinations at play here. It has been said before but it bears repeating- Natalie Portman is the shit here. The amount of prep that must have gone into this role is unbelievable, not to mention delivering on everything that the script asks of her.  To keep this movie even remotely grounded in anything resembling reality must have been a chore, but she pulled it off.  This is a dark, weird, violent, uncomfortable, funny little movie that messed with me from beginning to end.  There is no middle ground on how people feel about this movie, and I totally get why people may not care for it.  They are wrong, but I get it.

1.  The Social Network:  Doing a top 10 midway through January can be boring because I am not telling any “Top 10 List Readers” anything they don’t already know. The Social Network was the most purely entertaining movie of the year, though, probably because it succeeds at so many things. It is one of the best courtroom dramas, biopics, character studies, comedies, thrillers, and how-to movies of not just this year, but any year. Right now my favorite thing about it is the script by Aaron Sorkin, but I can’t wait to see it again to discover the many other positives it has to offer.

Platter Chatter! Favorite Music of 2010

In 2010, I have really been digging into Podcasts and Audiobooks more than listening to records.  The good news is that I made it through Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, but the bad news is that I seem to be listening to less music nowadays.

The below Platter Chatter should be digested with that knowledge.

Favorites:

1) The Walkmen- Lisbon

For no other reason that it is the one that I listened to the most.  I got hooked on the song “Stranded,” but “Angela Surf City” and “Victory” are equally triumphant.  I had never really listened to these guys before, with the exception of “The Rat”, but will have to dig into some back catalog pronto.

2) Deerhunter- Halcyon Digest

In which Brian finally discovers the fuss over Deerhunter.  Sort of a distillation of everything this guy has done, and has been criticized for trying to be something for everyone.  That bothers me not at all- this is a great album that could have taken the top spot if I had had it for longer.

3) The National- High Violet

Like Deerhunter, this album was a perfecting of the albums that came before it (Alligator and Boxer). The thing is, this one is better, I think.  If I had to pick one song that stuck with me from this record, I’d go with “Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks.”  I always try to have a glass of Scotch in hand while listening to this.

4) LCD Soundsystem- This is Happening

This would make the list for the opening track (Dance Yrself Clean) alone, which to me is the song of the year.

5) Arcade Fire- The Suburbs

Not as great as Funeral, but don’t hold that against it.  I listened to this while driving through Oregon this past August, and many of the songs are tied to that scenery. I mention that because that trip was a fantastic one, and any songs that provided the soundtrack are instantly bumped up in terms of importance in my mind.

Close But No Guitar (in no order):

Broken Bells- Broken Bells, MGMT- Congratulations, Janelle Monae- ArchAndroid, Grinderman- Grinderman 2, Broken Social Scene- Forgiveness Rock Record, Bonnie Prince Billy & The Cairo Gang- The Wonder Show of the World, The New Pornographers- Together, Yeasayer- Odd Blood

Top 10 songs for A Compilation  (Without using any songs from my top
list) “Rill Rill”- Sleigh Bells, “I Didn’t See it Coming”- Belle & Sebastian, “Power”- Kanye West, “Good Intentions Paving Company”- Joanna Newsom, “Crash Years”- New Pornographers, “My Gap Feels Weird”- Superchunk, “Palaces of Montezuma”- Grinderman, “Chase Scene”- Broken Social Scene, “The High Road”- Broken Bells, “Congratulations”- MGMT

Biggest Disappointments:

Belle and Sebastian Write About Love- It’s not that it’s a particularly  bad record, its just that there were no surprises to be found here.  None.  At all.  Still, the opening song is great B & S.

Spoon- Transference- Anyone remember anything from this record?  Man, was this one a snoozer.

Top Live Show

Loved the New Pornographers show at LA’s Music Box Theater, as I always do.  I had never seen them with Neko Case before, and she didn’t disappoint. The MVP, however, as Dan Bejar, who wandered onstage and left when he felt like it, drank like a fish, and provided a bit of an antidote to the sugary pop of AC Newman.

Worst Live Show
Sorry to say, Ween takes the title.  I’d like to say that the problem was entirely the venue, as the Aragon in Chicago is notoriously shitty. I have to say, though, the band seemed a bit tired and uninspired.  Still have high hopes for the LA show I have coming up, but I have to call ‘em like I see ‘em.

Old Discovery/Revisit
I find myself still plowing through that last Flaming Lips album (Embryonic).  I can’t take too much at once, but there are some catchy Easter Eggs hidden within.  And with all the hoopla surrounding the Darkness on the Edge of Town documentary, I was happy to dig into my favorite Springsteen album again.

Thankfully I Did Not Give Up
From what I’ve heard from the new Joanna Newsom album, she has been able to take care of all the sticking points that have given me problems on her previous stuff (you know, the voice and the endless songs).  Yeah, Have One on Me is a three-record (!) set, but I’m not sure they are supposed to be listened to in one sitting.  And what I’ve heard is great.

To Do List (Need to give it more time or a real first try)

Kanye’s new one- I rarely spend too much time with any hip-hop, so I have to force myself to listen to this.  Which I am, and I have to say… not yet.  I mean, its OK, but I haven’t heard why this is topping so many Best Of Lists.  The same goes for Big Boi’s new record- I have yet to hear anything bad about it, but its probably not a good sign that I have yet to fully process Speakerboxx, is it?

Gorillaz- Plastic Beach- I love what I’ve heard so far, but have yet to listen to the whole thing.  Is it any good?

Sufjan’s Age of Adz- I really liked his EP this year, but have yet to check this out.

Frightened Rabbit- Winter of Mixed Drinks- I think this one will reveal itself to me eventually, but I just haven’t had the time to listen to it yet.

No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You To Die! James Bond as Comfort Food

So it appears we aren’t going to get another James Bond movie until 2012 at the earliest.  Why does that bother me so much?  The last one (Quantum of Solace) was pretty terrible; in fact, the last five or so, with the exception of Casino Royale, have been spiraling uncontrollably downward in quality.

For me, Bond movies equal Comfort Food. I like the fact that they are something you can count on- every Bond movie ends with (the very comforting) words:  James Bond Will Return.   I like that.  I like being able to count on that.  There just isn’t a lot you can bank on these days, and until recently, a James Bond adventure of wildly varying quality was one thing that was at the very least dependable.

It should be said that there is room in my heart for pretty much every James Bond movie.  I’m not sure why, but even the ones that were clearly, well, awful, were enjoyed by me at one point in my life.  If you need an example of how forgiving I am of the James Bond series, the “California Girls” snowboarding sequence in A View to a Kill doesn’t bother me one bit.

In any case, for no good reason, I thought I would take a look at the series thus far, ranked from best to worst.  But again, keep in mind:  I would rather have the worst James Bond movie in my life than no James Bond at all.

1.  Goldfinger:  I know, a bold choice.  But what can I say?  It is clearly the best, starring the best James Bond to date, Sean “Zardoz” Connery. This is the template of all the Bond films that followed.  It created what we now know as a “Bond” movie.  It also had the best henchman ever in Odd Job.  I miss the concept of henchmen.  They really haven’t been represented well in movies of late.  Let’s get some good henchmen back.

2.   Casino Royale:  Daniel Craig has a shot at the Bond title based on this movie alone. Man, the opening 30 minutes or so of this movie are as good as not just Bond movies get, but action movies in general.  This was the reinvention of Bond that we were promised but denied with Pierce Brosnan.

3.  From Russia With Love:  Here is a Bond movie that you have to grow into a bit. It is never your favorite when you first see it, but the more you see it (and the older you get), the richer it grows. Plus, it has the best mano y mano in any Bond movie- Connery vs. Robert Shaw in the closed confines of a train car.

4.  On Her Majesty’s Secret Service:  Yeah, the George Lazenby one. Old George isn’t the best Bond- in fact, yeah, he’s probably the worst.  But… he happens to be in one of the very best James Bond movies.  Bond gets married in this one, after, of course, battling Telly Savalas on a runaway bobsled.  Then Telly kills Bond’s wife.  Lazenby may have been a disappointment, but he sells the hell out of the death scene.

5.  The Spy Who Loved Me:  Roger Moore is my James Bond.  He was the first Bond I ever saw, and he was the guy at the steering wheel during my formative Bond-viewing years.  I can’t tell you how many Roger Moore Bond double features I saw at various sleepovers. I love Roger Moore, and this one is his best movie.

6.  Dr. No:  As the first of the series, Dr. No finds Bond still finding his legs. But watching Connery try on the tux for the first time makes this one more fun to watch than most of the series.

7.  For Your Eyes Only:  My first James Bond movie.  I loved the ski chase, the inexplicable hockey team vs. Bond fight, and the two Lotuses that James got to drive. Plus, my favorite Bond theme song by Sheena “Sugar Walls” Easton.

8.  You Only Live Twice:  Have you ever wanted to see Connery get his chest waxed, his bangs combed forward and his eyes pinned back to look more Japanese?  Look no further.  Donald Pleasance plays the bad guy.  This movie was written by Roald Dahl.  That’s pretty cool.

9.  Thunderball:  The only part of this movie that doesn’t work is the part that gets all the press:  the underwater battle finale. Watching indistinguishable frogmen shoot spear guns and throw very slow punches makes for a dull closer to what is otherwise a pretty great Bond movie.  This is the one that came after Goldfinger, so they could pretty much do whatever they wanted.  They did.

10. License To Kill:  Full disclosure- I like Timothy Dalton.  It’s a shame he only got two at-bats, because he was coming into his own with this one.  The first PG-13 Bond movie, we got to see a screaming man fed to sharks, another man’s head explode in a decompression chamber, and Benicio Del Toro fed into an industrial shredder. Oh, and Wayne Newton.  And a fantastic oil tanker chase down a mountain road.  I like this movie.

11. Goldeneye:  The first appearance by a Pierce Brosnan Bond.  I know, a lot of people thought his movies were pretty great.  Those people are wrong.  You see, Brosnan was a pretty decent Bond who was in four of the worst Bond movies they made.  Actually, the opening of this movie is pretty good, and the whole movie spawned one of the best video games ever.  So… there’s that.

12. Live and Let Die: Blaxploitation Bond!  I have seen this one possibly more than any other Bond for some reason.  Best scene:  Bond escaping a gator pond by hopscotching across the heads of some hungry thunder-lizards.

13. Octopussy:  Pretty wacky, Bond ends up dressed like a clown.  Also, he does the “Tarzan Yell” while swinging on vines almost 30 years before Shia LeBeouf was taken to task for doing the same thing in Indiana Jones 4.  If it’s good enough for Roger Moore, it should be good enough for LeBeouf.

14. Tomorrow Never Dies:  Another Brosnan.  I like Jonathan Pryce as the media-influenced bad guy in this one, but not a great Bond.

15. Quantum of Solace:  One of the biggest disappointments in the entire Bond canon.  Coming on the heels of Casino Royale, I was hoping for something at least approaching that movie’s energy.  Instead… well, I defy anyone to explain what the hell happens in this movie.  The best that can be said is that Daniel Craig remains a great Bond; I hope that they can get him back when the time comes to make another one.

16. A View to a Kill:  Not as bad as its made out to be, but certainly not great.  Still, a guilty pleasure for me.  Yeah, Bond is 76 years old in this one, and it has one of the worst Bond girls of the entire series in Tanya “Sheena Queen of the Jungle” Roberts.  But it also has Christopher Walken and Grace Jones as bad guys.  I guarantee you’ll never see that again in any movie ever.

17. The Living Daylights:  The first of the two Dalton Bonds.  I don’t really remember much from this one except for a pretty good fight that takes place on a cargo net hanging from the back of an airplane.

From this point on, the Bond movies become uniformly terrible.  I have a difficult time finding anything positive to say about the rest, so I will list my main problem with the remainder of the series as succinctly as possible.

18. The World is Not Enough:  Denise Richards as the Bond girl.

19. Moonraker:  Turning Jaws, the second best Bond hench-villian ever, into a good guy who makes out with the Swiss Miss Pudding Girl.

20. Die Another Day:  Bond gets an invisible car.

21. Diamonds Are Forever:  Bloated Connery in a moon buggy chase.

22. The Man With the Golden Gun:  Bond vs. Herve Villechaize.  Actually, I should give that a second chance.  That sounds pretty good.

Big Time Directors! The Martin Scorsese series

Most of my favorite big time directors have a deep catalog of varied movies. Like most people, I have seen what is considered their “important work.”  But what about their other movies?  What about the movies that hide on their IMDb pages, snuggling in between their hits?  So here are a few omissions that I aim to rectify.  There is no real reason that I have missed these movies until now; they have just slipped between the cracks.

Until now.

What is left to say about Martin Scorsese?  He is one of those directors where when he makes a movie, you just kind of have to see it.  He has probably made more great movies than any other American director, and to my eye, he has had the fewest missteps as well. Even if you didn’t like, say, Shutter Island, you can’t accuse Scorsese of making a boring or lazy movie.

What makes a Martin Scorsese movie?  Besides just an all-around awesomeness, the following are a few signs that you may be watching a Scorsese picture:  Robert DeNiro, Italians, gangsters, rock-n-roll soundtrack (especially The Rolling Stones), Harvey Keitel, Catholic guilt, a constantly moving camera, and Leonardo DiCaprio.  Before we dig into the three movies I hadn’t seen, here is an idea as to how I felt about the ones I had seen.

Loved:  Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Casino,  The Aviator

Liked:  Boxcar Bertha, The Last Waltz, The King of Comedy, After Hours, The Color of Money, The Last Temptation of Christ, Cape Fear, The Age of Innocence, Gangs of New York, The Departed, Shutter Island

There are no Scorsese movies I have hated, but here is the one that I can call:

So-So:  Bringing Out The Dead

Let’s take a look at Who’s That Knocking at My Door?, Mean Streets, and Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore.

Who’s That Knocking at My Door? (1967)

If Who’s That Knocking at My Door? feels like a student film in which that student is ripping off Martin Scorsese, it’s because that is exactly the case.  The twist is that the student was Martin Scorsese, but much like a superhero before he really knows how to use his powers, Scorsese here was still figuring out what he was doing. While a lot of his calling cards are in place here (Catholic guilt, rock n’ roll soundtrack, Italians), it felt more like a French New Wave movie than, say, Goodfellas.

That said, this was the first time Scorsese worked with Harvey Keitel (his second most common acting colloborator, after DeNiro), and like most Harvey Keitel movies, you do get some full-frontal Keitel nudity. What is it about this guy?  As Dennis Miller once said, “I’ve seen Harvey Keitel’s dick more than I’ve seen my own dick.  And I’ve seen my own dick!  A lot!”

This is a weird movie.  There’s a scene when the plot (which is a guy-meets-girl, guy-finds-out-girl-was-raped, guy-can’t-handle-that-information story) stops and the characters hike up a mountain in upstate New York. I don’t mind little detours from the main plotline- in fact, one of my favorite parts of Fargo was the Mike Yanagita scene- but this just stopped the movie in its tracks. And the movie wasn’t really moving all that fast at that point in the first place.

You know what this movie kind of felt like?  You remember those early episodes of Seinfeld where they hadn’t really figured out the tone of the show, and the actors were still trying to figure out their characters?  You could sense the kernels of where the show was going, but they just didn’t have the details worked out yet.  Who’s That Knocking at My Door? is a Scorsese movie when he hadn’t quite figured out what he wanted to do yet.

Rating:  So-S0

Mean Streets (1973)

Mean Streets is sort of like that as well.  Yeah, its better, more fully-formed than Who’s That Knocking?, but it is also a bit of a drag. I’m sure when it came out it was a revelation, and watching Scorsese grow from film to film helps you to appreciate his earlier efforts. However, I came to him when he was already making masterpieces, so Mean Streets just doesn’t cut it.

Like Who’s That Knocking?, Harvey Keitel is back to walk us through Little Italy to the tunes of The Rolling Stones, The Ronettes, and other classic rock numbers. The movie feels gritty- in fact, the grittiness and verisimilitude of Mean Streets was its undoing, at least for me. There is really not much of a story to get involved in, and the characters are pretty stock, with one exception.

That exception is one Robert DeNiro, working for Scorsese for the first time.  These guys went on to do a total of eight movies together, and without a doubt inspire one another do their best work. DeNiro is far and away the best thing in Mean Streets, playing an unhinged low-level thug whose reckless lifestyle keeps getting the more responsible Keitel character in trouble. Watch DeNiro in this, and then watch him in the new Little Fockers preview.  Sigh. I don’t begrudge the guy for having some fun or earning a paycheck- in fact, I think he’s pretty great in comedies like Midnight Run and the original Meet the Parents- but this movie looks like some lazy shit with a lazy shitty performance from DeNiro.

Look, if we had to wade through Who’s That Knocking at My Door? and Mean Streets to get to Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas, then it was all worth it.

Rating:  So-So

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (1974)

My favorite of the three unseen Martin Scorsese movies was one of the most atypical of all his films- Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. Here is his only movie with a female lead protagonist, a movie that takes place not in New York but in the Arizona desert, and provided the basis for an 80s sitcom.

Yep, Alice was derived from a Martin Scorsese movie. In fact, the role that Linda Lavin popularized on television won an Oscar for Best Actress for Ellen Burstyn, who is pretty great in this. More odd is that Dianne Ladd was also nominated for an Oscar for this movie in the role of Flo.  Anyone who remembers the sitcom remembers Flo’s catchphrase, “Kiss My Grits!”  I love that Flo was an Oscar-nominated role in its original incarnation.

Vic Tayback, who played Mel on the sitcom, was also in the movie.  I always get him confused with Dolph Sweet from Gimme a Break, but I digress.  I guess they couldn’t lure the woman who played Vera to the TV series, but in the movie she is much more of a head-case; she seems almost autistic.  I don’t remember her being like that on the show; instead, I remember her being a bit like Agnes Dipesto from Moonlighting.  Lovable and quirky.

In any case, the movie is pretty good. It traces Alice and her son Tommy’s journey across the Southwest in her attempts to become a singer.  Tommy was played by the kid who played Ogilvie in The Bad News Bears, and the peformance is one of the very best of child actors.  Speaking of good child actors in this- Jodie Foster!  She plays a tomboy VERY convincingly, and went on to play a child prostitute in Scorsese’s next movie (Taxi Driver).

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore is nice little female-empowerment movie of the 1970s. It reminded me a lot of The Goodbye Girl, although I think Burstyn nailed the character a bit better than Marsha Mason. However, the little girl who played Marsha Mason’s daughter in that movie was pretty awesome.  I’m not sure she was better than Ogilvie… lets call it a tie.

Rating:  Liked

Piranha 3D: Summertime Rolls 2010

So there are some spoilers below as to who makes it through Piranha 3D and who doesn’t.  If you feel like having this info is going to ruin the movie for you, you shouldn’t read this review.  Cool?  Cool.

“I need a beer and its tittie squeezing time!”- Frank Zappa (“Titties & Beer”)

If you could somehow incorporate the concept of prehistoric flesh-eating fish into the above quote, you would have the mission statement for Piranha 3D.  I’m not sure what to say about this movie other than the fact that I think the idea of a three-dimensional experience at the motion pictures has finally reached its potential in this movie with the image of Jerry O’ Connell’s cock being eaten and then regurgitated right into the audience’s collective laps.

Does that sound like something you might like to see?  How about a girl puking off a boat, again in glorious 3D?  Those were the two standout 3D moments for me, with the rest of the movie moving between nudity and gore, both of the gratuitous variety.

Watching this movie in any other way than 1) in a packed movie theater with 2) a rambunctious crowd is a fool’s errand; I can’t imagine how terrible this movie will seem when it inevitably debuts on pay television. I remember my friend saw Snakes on a Plane on opening night, with the required theater packed full of “into it” rambunctious movie-goers, which is to say drunk, stoned, or both.  He called it one of the best movie-going experiences he has ever had.  I saw it later, on HBO or whatever.  It didn’t live up to my friend’s review, but how could it?  These are movies of the moment, and if you miss that train, it is probably best to skip it altogether.  This is why I will probably never see Howard’s End.

Because while I can recommend it if you can somehow see it on opening night (which was last night as I write this), I do recognize that this is a bad movie.  And not in the way that the filmmakers were intending, either (believe me- everyone involved knew what they were doing, to their credit).  It is weirdly paced movie  – after the opener, where Richard Dreyfuss meets the piranhas for the first time, the movie settles down for about 45 minutes of not much happening, although we do meet all the characters who will or will not become fish food.

A word about the Dreyfuss appearance.  He is clearly playing Matt Hooper from Jaws (despite the fact that his character is listed as Matt Boyd)- he is singing the “Show Me the Way To Go Home” song, he is wearing the denim ensemble favored by his earlier character (or “Jay Leno Casual”, as I call it), and I could be mistaken, but I think he was drinking Amity Beer.  In any case, if he was Matt Hooper, I would have liked for him to have gotten a better send-off.  This is the worst case of an iconic character being thoughtlessly dispatched since Michael Biehn in Alien 3.

Also, it’s a waste of Richard Dreyfuss.  This movie has a fantastic cast, most of which really weren’t needed.  Are you telling me you needed Ving Rhames for this?  Hire Tiny Lister instead and save a few bucks. I liked Adam Scott and Elisabeth Shue, although if you’ve seen the television previews, you pretty much know how things turn out for Scott’s character. That kinda sucked, because not only was I waiting for him to get crushed by a giant piranha, but also it is the very last scene of the movie- the last scare, if you will.

It is a really fun movie under the right circumstances.  I can’t stress this enough though- if you are planning on seeing it, go sooner rather than later. Every day that passes in the release of Piranha 3D lessens whatever power the movie possesses.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Summertime Rolls 2010

Scott Pilgrim is a movie I am both really excited about while at the same time couldn’t care less about. It’s a lot like watching a fireworks display, evoking “oohs” and “ahhs” from the audience in the moment, but is equally easy to walk away from feeling nothing more than an hour and fifty minutes older than when you went in. This is the anti-Winter’s Bone, which is the last movie I have seen at the theaters.

But lets talk about the good stuff!  Edgar Wright, the director, has earned himself a place on my “I Will See His Movies Regardless Of Reviews Or Word Of Mouth” list after Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Scott Pilgrim is the most successful comic book movie ever, in the sense that the sensation of watching this is very much like reading the panels of a comic book. The last movie that really went for this feeling was Ang Lee’s Hulk, which most people (not me, though) thought was fairly shitty.

Wright plays around a lot in this movie. There are so many cool touches here that the movie is definitely worth seeing just, well, for seeing. Every sound effect onomatopoeia is displayed visually like the old 1960s Batman television show. When Ramona Flowers (the object of Scott Pilgrim’s affection) rollerblades through the Toronto snow, it melts away to provide a clear track. There are also great music cues- the Universal Studios theme is used as a joke twice (once as the opening logo, where it morphed into an electronic video game theme, and again as the triumphant overture used to introduce one of Ramona’s evil ex’s) and the Seinfeld theme makes an appearance as well.   I also liked how Wright was able to make refrigerator magnets into a fairly funny joke.

The biggest visual theme of the movie is that of video games, mainly of the Mortal Combat variety. I had stopped playing video games by this point, so I probably missed out on a lot of the intricacies, but I thought it was an interesting visual way present how someone has to deal with the fact that your girlfriend has had ex-boyfriends. The League of Seven Evil Exs is clever idea, although in this movie, some work better than others.  I really like Brandon Routh as the Vegan Ex, where his smug veganism gives him superpowers. Chris Evans was also great as the super-pompous A-list actor whose skating skills are his undoing (although Evans seems to be channeling my friend The Ninja from the Ask a Ninja website in his performance).  Watching Scott Pilgrim battle each of these exs is about as entertaining as each individual ex proved to be, so I would say I really like about 4 of the 7 (although kudos to the casting director who decided to cast Ann from Arrested Development as one of the exs).

I’ve mentioned the word “visual” about 42 times so far in this review, and for good reason- the visuals are the best thing about it. In fact, the “funny” in this movie doesn’t really come from Michael Cera  (who is once again doing his thing), but in the way Edgar Wright tells the story as a comic book. Each little vignette works, and I was impressed at all the information that was packed into every nook and cranny of the movie. What didn’t work is that I thought that Ramona Flowers wasn’t much to fight about, and neither was Scott Pilgrim, for that matter. Here is a movie in which I really didn’t care about one single character, and that is a problem for me.  Maybe it won’t be for you, and maybe the characters weren’t the point.  Maybe they exist merely to be vessels for the story to get from Point A to Point B.  I wanted to like these people though, and while I didn’t not like them, I was indifferent from the moment it began to the moment it ended.

Still, this is a good movie that succeeds more than it fails.

What is the Definitive 1980s Movie? The Breakfast Club?

The movies of the 1980s had their own flavor, too, and that is what I want to get at. What is the DEFINITIVE 1980s movie?  That might be an impossible question to answer, but over the next couple weeks I will take a look at some key contenders to the title.  But first, as always, some criteria to narrow the search.

Criteria:

1. There must be a 1980s song attached that defines it the movie when you see it. In other words, when you now hear this song, you must think of the movie before anything else.
2. I think the theme of “Triumph of the Underdog” must be present somewhere in the movie. This theme was almost as common as the overuse of the montage in 1980s movie.
3. Must contain a montage sequence.
4. The movie must have introduced us to an actor in a star-making performance.  That doesn’t necessarily mean it is the first movie the actor made, just their “star-making” performance

Today’s Contender:  The Breakfast Club

In the hunt for the definitive 80’s movie, it was only a matter of time before I delved into the oeuvre of the late John Hughes. Remembered now as nothing less than THE MOST IMPORTANT chronicler of teen angst in the last century, Hughes actually had a fairly small output, at least directorially.  But what he DID release gives credence to some of the hyperbole that is directed his way.

He directed more than just “teen” movies- for instance, She’s Having a Baby, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Curly Sue), but honestly, these aren’t the flicks he’ll be remembered for.  No, it’ll be Sixteen Candles or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off that will be the movies that everyone instantly associates with him.  Or what I think is the best candidate for Definitive 80s Movie- The Breakfast Club.  (Note- Pretty in Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful are disqualified in this entry due to the fact that they were only written, not directed, by Hughes.  That is not to say that either of these movies shouldn’t be revisited later as contenders, although I’ll tell you, they won’t be.  Some Kind of Wonderful doesn’t really have the following, and I fucking hate Pretty in Pink, with the exception of James Spader’s performance).

Why does The Breakfast Club get the nod?  Well, it all comes down to the criteria I laid out for this enterprise, and the Club is the only one of those movies that fits all four.  Sixteen Candles?  Didn’t have an 80’s song that is associated with it (Despite my wife’s insistence that “If You Were Here” by the Thompson Twins should fit the bill).  Also, I don’t think Candles has a montage sequence. Bueller has one of those (the trip to the Art Museum), but I’m not sure you can call “Oh Yeah” by Yello the song that is associated only with Bueller (especially since that song is now owned, in my opinion, by Duff Man on The Simpsons).

No, it is The Breakfast Club that hits all the sweet spots, and you know what?  I think it’s a great choice- it may be the prototype of whatever it is we call “The John Hughes Movie.”  But is it truly the Definitive 80s Movie?
It definitely has The Song.  “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds is so tied to The Breakfast Club that is difficult to hear it ending without visualizing a quote from David Bowie’s “Changes” shattering to reveal Shermer High School on a cold Saturday morning.  What is with the parentheses in the song title, though?  Does anyone refer to it as simply “Don’t You”?  Maybe Simple Minds thought that by inserting the parentheses, the song would be classed up?  I’ve heard that the band hates the song, which is a shame since it is far and away their best song. I’m not sure there is a lot of demand for anything else in their catalog (with the possible exception of “Alive and Kicking”, but even that would a distant second, right?).  In any case, throw on “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” and you will instantly feel like a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.

Triumph of the Underdog theme?  Oh yeah- the whole movie is about how each of these kids are disaffected in some way, be it how Andrew (Emilio Estevez) can’t connect with his dad, to how Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) uh… can’t connect with his parents.  In fact, every single one of them feels put upon by the expectations and demands placed upon them by their parents, and by the de facto “parent” in the movie, Mr. Vernon (played by that great 80s dick, Paul Gleason).  As the movie progresses, and each of these broken teens realize that they are stronger in their own identities than they ever thought, and it only took a Saturday detention to realize it.  By the end, when Vernon is reading Brian’s letter and Bender (Judd Nelson) is raising his fist defiantly to the heavens, we know that the underdogs have indeed triumphed.

The montages in this movie never really worked for me, but they are fairly prominent, so let’s discuss. Basically, the montages exist to throw a few more songs onto the soundtrack and have the five teens dance to them. I’m not sure how well a song like “We Are Not Alone” is going to be remembered, but most people do remember the little three-person shuffle that accompanied it in the montage. And I’m sure Estevez is still a little embarrassed by the scene when he screams so voraciously after “stoned-dancing” through the library, that it literally shatters glass.

By the time The Breakfast Club had come out, Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall were already stars from Sixteen Candles, and Emilio Estevez had already made his name in movies like The Outsiders.  The two relative newcomers were Ally Sheedy and Judd Nelson, and while Sheedy did just fine for herself in The Breakfast Club, Judd Nelson became the breakout star.  In fact, I would say his character, John Bender, is the true centerpiece of the whole thing.  Hughes gave him all the best lines AND he gets the girl at the end.  True, Estevez also gets a girl (Sheedy), but at the time it felt like he was getting the Second Place Ribbon, right?  And Nelson nailed that part, too. He was funny, you believed he’d been in detention forever, and he rocked the “Get Me A Turkey Pot Pie” scene with aplomb. It’s a shame that he never really capitalized on this part (he was never this good again), but it can’t be said that The Breakfast Club was not a star-making performance for Judd Nelson.

So what do you think?  Is The Breakfast Club the Definitive 80s Movie?

Winter’s Bone: Summertime Rolls 2010

Ever been on a road trip and you make that decision to exit the freeways and travel some back roads of this fine country of ours?  There you are, cruising through rolling hills, past babbling brooks, congratulating yourself for not idly accepting the interstate experience by embracing the nooks and crannies of the good ol’ U.S. of A.  All of a sudden, there is a shift in the good vibes of the road trip, and you begin to notice more cars sitting on cinderblocks or rusted refrigerators in the front yards. The houses get more ramshackle, the “quaint” cafes on the side of the road become more menacing, and you and your crew decide the interstate isn’t that bad after all.

Winter’s Bone takes place entirely in a place like this. Yeah, Winter’s Bone is released in the summer, but it feels weird to call this a summer movie. Let’s just say that this probably won’t be nominated for any MTV Movie Awards next year, although the star is a young lady from The Bill Engvall Show.  You know, The Bill Engvall Show?  I didn’t either, but I should probably check it out if it farms talent like the lead here.  Her name is Jennifer Lawrence, and she plays a teenager named Ree who looks out for her incapacitated mom and two younger siblings. See, her dad, a meth cook/dealer, is MIA, although before he disappeared, he put the house and land that Ree and her fam live on up for bail.  If Ree can’t find her dad in the next week or so, they lose their property.

More than that will spoil the way the movie unfolds. John Hawkes, who is juuuust about ready to play Charles Manson, is Ree’s uncle Teardrop, and he moves between scary and sympathetic, usually within the same scene.

Hawkes has been in movies and TV forever (he was Sol on Deadwood), but this is his move into the next level of acting wizardry. I’m not sure if this will be remembered in February, but both he and JLaw should be thought about in terms of Oscar nods.  I love that expression- Oscar nod.

So… not sure how this movie can sell itself, except for the fact that everyone who sees it says its great.  I can’t imagine how they could even cut together a trailer that makes it look appealing. I will say this- this movie sticks with you. To use the road trip analogy again, this is the healthy, home-cooked meal that you crave after eating a steady diet of fast food for days.  Oh, and I do look forward to the release of Summer’s Bone, which will inevitably be released this winter.